Email us for chapter info Chapters and Areas: -California- Bay Area, CA Slow Bastard Long Beach, CA La Femme Bastard Los Angeles, CA Reverend Bastard Orange County, CA Hairy Bastard Sacramento, CA Sassy Bastard San Diego, CA Clever Bastard -Louisiana- New Orleans, LA Whodat Bastard -North Carolina- Western, NC Dirty Bastard -Pennsylvania- Philidelphia, PA Lord Bastard -Texas- Houston, TX Irish Bastard -Washington- Seattle, WA Magnificent Bastard -United Kingdom- London, UK Gracious Bastard

UK Bastards

Great Britain

London Lone Wolves

"Mercurial Bastard" – Genie ~ (RBSC 064) Profile still under construction (that’s code for we are still making stuff up) Check back soon to see what we came up with.

"Gracious" – Kate ~ (RBSC 065) Gracious Bastard is posh bastard that went to seed after leaving Cambridge. She is a cartoonist that dodges traffic in London on her Vespa. Her other interests are cartooning, recreational cigarettes, soul music, gigs, dancing and drinking beer. In April 2008 she was knighted in the Foundry pub in the East End of London by Smart and Mercurial with a pint of organic ale.

American Bastards

Arizona

Mesa Lone Wolves

"Sinister Bastard" – Jeremiah ~ (RBSC 036) He was given the name due to the fact he’s a cold hearted two stroke love maker. He enjoys a good pint or two and spending time working on his and his mates bikes. Sin has traveled as far as merry ol’ England to go to rally’s and has owned more then 9 Vespa’s since the age of 15.

California

Bay Area Chapter 002

"Dreaded Bastard" - Ryan ~ (RBSC 008) One stand up guy. Misplaced his comb 7 years ago. SF medical provider since 2002. Rides a Tits Vespa GT60 609. Hard to miss, even harder to catch. Enjoys an organic lifestyle, views of the Bay, and long walks on the beach. Knighted April 7th 2007 by Evil Bastard, Mt. Tamalpais, CA.

"Drunk Bastard " - Rubin ~ (RBSC 011) On a cold night, you can always find Drunk with a skirt on. Many people know him as "Scooter Skirt" Rubin but to us he is just a Drunk Bastard. He has a loving wife and a little one that he enjoys spending time with. But on a full moon, with his wife’s permission, Drunk is by our side slamming down ale with a big smile on his face. Knighted June 30th, 2007 by Smug Bastard, Vacaville, CA.

"Slow Bastard" - Dan ~ (RBSC 073) I have been riding since I was 12 years old. The last 20 years has been mostly on Harleys, that's why I'm "olhogrider" on MV. After a brief stint on Ducatis I discovered scooters. My first was a Chinese Junk, which I still have, only now my oldest daughter is riding it. Now I ride a GTS. I was knighted in Las Vegas at the High Rollers weekend. These days my job consists of sitting in a chair and staring out the window. That chair is moving at over 500 mph!

"Smart Bastard" - Christina ~ (RBSC 071) Profile still under construction (that’s code for we are still making stuff up) Check back soon to see what we came up with.

"Troubled Bastard" - Tanya ~ (RBSC 070) Trouble was knighted on a foggy San Francisco night, in the early months of 2008 by the bastards of yesteryear. The actual date has been lost to the sands of time. The LA native sells Vespas in SF for a living, but for fun she can be found chasing girls, knitting, knife fights, adding chrome to her GTV and pimped GTS, drafting off trucks on the 5 freeway or adding to her tattoo collection. No kids, but two very high matainence cats make up her family in SF. If you’ve got Trouble, you’ve got a lot on your hands.

"Über Bastard" - Phil ~ (RBSC 021) The name says it all. This guy’s not just a Bastard, he’s a Uber Bastard. If you see skulls coming at you in your rear view mirror, you know pure evil is right behind you. Two P200s and a Lambretta just aren’t enough for this guy who will probably keep torturing his wife with an ever-growing vintage scooter collection. Knighted July 29th 2007 by Lucky Bastard, Lake Tahoe, CA.

Beaumont Lone Wolves

“Scrappy Bastard – Becky ~ (RBSC 081) On the day she got her LX150 she “parked at speed” and broke her collarbone. Eight weeks later she was back in the saddle at the MSF course with a bunch of cocky, Harley Davidson riding punks who were half her age and had no fashion sense whatsoever. They sneered at her until she outscored them and was ranked #4 in the class. The next month Scrappy went to her first rally - 141 miles complete with high winds, blowing sand and riding after sundown for the first time. Is it any wonder they call her “Scrappy?” When she’s not chasing the four kids at home or herding the cats teaching kindergarten, she likes to read, listen to music, garden, scrapbook, and ride her scooter. Facials and hot stone massages are also high on her happy list. Scrappy was knighted by Wicked on April 19, 2008 in San Diego’s Presidio Park.

“Tiny Bastard” – Doug ~ (RBSC 082) Tiny has never been tiny. Even as a kid he was the biggest one in his class. He is incorrigible to say the least (well, maybe just stupid). When he was 12 his older brother David told him to jump off the roof and grab the hula-hoop as he passed through. He did and hit the ground with a thud. Then when Dave needed a moving target for his BB gun, Tiny went to the other side of the yard and ran back and forth. Little did they know that Tiny was just “paying David forward” for borrowing his motorcycle. Technically it was stealing, but it was in the family, so that doesn’t count. Tiny has been riding motorcycles since he was 14. His gullible wife Scrappy let him back on two wheels in 2006 when he told her he wanted to buy a scooter. So what if it was a Burgman 650, aka a motorcycle in disguise? It took a few months for her to figure out the difference. When Scrappy told him that she wanted to ride her own scooter it was as if he had died and gone to heaven. Tiny bought Scrappy an LX150, which she promptly parked at speed, but that’s another story. In 2008 Tiny sold his Maxi and bought a GTS and has never looked back. Knighted April 19th by Crazy Bastard in San Diego’s Presidio Park after watching chicks in fishnets and tank tops roller derby.

Del Mar Lone Wolves

"Cranky Bastard" – Karen ~ (RBSC 039) Bio? I don’t need no stinkin’ bio! Since I’m new to the joys of motorized cycling, I’ve got lots of lost time to make up for. Or maybe it’s just an unshakable case of scooter wanderlust. Either way, I’m spending way too much time on the road and in the saddle to be typing up my humdrum story. Now, quit pestering me about a bio and let’s go for a nice long ride! Hey, y’all call me Cranky. What did you expect? Knighted Dec 8th 2007 Long Beach CA by Lucky Bastard.

Fresno Lone Wolves

"T-Bone Bastard" - Tom ~ (RBSC 012) Rockabilly lamb chop Vespa Tech for SF Vespa. He knows how to make his black GT200 Vespa purr like a kitten. T-Bone has a great sense of humor and finds joy in a tall glass of Stella. T-Bone is a real Scooterboy. He is living in sin with his sexy and fun girlfriend who has two jobs! Cheers to you! Knighted May 5th 2007 by Smug Bastard, Cambell, CA.

Hollywood Lone Wolves

"Greasy Bastard" - Aaron ~ (RBSC 016) Greasy is living the Scooterboy’s dream as a Vespa Tech. He owns and operates his own Scooter Repair shop. He also does engine work on the side for race teams. Greasy gets around; I have seen him in pubs in San Francisco. He has knowledge of strange and far away places. Greasy has a collection of Vespa and Lambrettas. He loves long rides and the sound of a Lambretta engine winding up and powering through curves with the protection of a really thin leather jacket. Knighted May 26th 2007 by T-Bone Bastard, San Francisco, CA.

Long Beach Lone Wolves

"Hairy Bastard" - Brian ~ (RBSC 063) Profile is currently under construction (that’s code for we are still making stuff up) Check back soon to see what we came up with.

"La Femme Bastard" - Sylvia ~ (RBSC 062) Le Femme Bastard is the quintessential international woman of mystery. She enjoys a mishmash of things, including speaking about herself in the 3rd person, confusing the masses, the innuendo of Beatles songs, saving the earth, and Feist. Le Femme digs on a slew of hobbies such as cooking, eating, snowboarding, music (all kinds), travel, and cruising through Compton on her beloved Vespa. She can also issue (anyone who needs it) a good ole fashioned cursing in four different languages. Nikita ain’t got shit on me, word? She rocks a chromed out diamond white LX150 with a homemade shag blue seat cover.

Monterey Lone Wolves

"Aussie Bastard" - Marc ~ (RBSC 032). I didn’t get the scooter bug until I moved to California from Australia. Where I lived, down there, scooters were impractical even though my Muslim/Catholic godfather had a P200(true, even about the P200). I started looking around for a ride in ’99, and was amazed that a beater mid-70’s P series was going for around three and half. This cooled me off a little. Then I saw the ’new’ Vino 49cc at the local sportsbike shop and plopped down the credit card. What a dog, I stage-oned it, added tecnomoto variator and Technigas pipe, upjetted the carb two sizes. I was clocked by the missus at 60mph! I was about 30 lbs lighter back then, even. Then the ET’s came out in ’01 and we were all over it. We went to King’s Classic, Endless Summer, Yosemite National Park... In ’02 I was feeling the need for a vintage scooter and sold the Vino to buy a Lambretta Vega. I love ’oddscoots’. I shipped the engine off to WCLW, stripped the body and had it painted ’Venus Green’, an original color. It was a frankenscoot and parts were only available in the U.K. There wasn’t much interest in them back then and it was tough. When the GTS came out, I wanted to trade the ET on it, but the wife wouldn’t let me, with all the mods on it I have over 12k in that thing! Anyway, it’s great to be a Bastard! Long live the RBSC! Cheers, Aussie. Knighted July 29th 2007 by Über Bastard, Lake Tahoe, CA.

"Mrs. Aussie Bastard" – Belinda ~ (RBSC 033) Profile still under construction (that’s code for we are still making stuff up). Check back soon to see what we came up with.

Sacramento Chapter 001

"BBQ Bastard" - Rick ~ (RBSC 061) I was knighted by Rowdy Bastard in the middle of the Vespa showroom in Roseville. Thanks to Randy bastard, I have a 14 year old daughter who keeps me out of trouble. My scoots have ranged from a Heinkle to a P-200 to a couple of ETs and finally to a GTS 250. While out riding I'm always looking for a grill with a nice ash.

"Cheap Bastard" - Mark ~ (RBSC 005) Well, what can we say about a guy with a name like Cheep? Yea, he won’t buy you a drink, but he might get you to buy him one. Cheep was frat brothers with Kevin Costner. He doesn’t remember much about school other than all the boinking that was going on. Mark is in outside sales for the HVAC trade. He has a wonderful wife and 15 kids. Ok, well, only 4 kids, but really what’s the difference anyway? Cheep got a great deal on a 2006 Vintage Red Vespa. Knighted on January15th 2006.

"Cocky Bastard" - John ~ (RBSC 041) Profile is currently under construction (that’s code for we are still making stuff up). Check back soon to see what we came up with.

"Contented Bastard"- Nancy ~ (RBSC 052) She wanted a scooter for a while but never got around to it until a yellow Vespa 250 called her name and she HAD to answer. It’s stock and since she hasn’t gotten past the fear of getting dirty working on it yet, it looks like it will stay that way until she can come up with a good bribe to get Exhausted to make some changes for her! She’s been happily married to Exhausted Bastard for more than half her life. She has one son that got married this year so now she says she has a daughter and a "Grandkitty" to spoil too! She does daycare for a living and when she grows up she has no idea of what she will actually do...Retire?? If you can’t find her on her scoot you will either find her working out at the gym, on the road attempting to train for a marathon (yeah, right), taking a class at Sierra College or riding on the back of one of Exhausted’s other bikes.

"Exhausted Bastard" - Al ~ (RBSC 051) Exhausted was born on the same night that chiacago died. His hobbies were filling his garage with Harleys until the Vespa bug bit him. Now Exhausted enjoys exploring his fem side by riding a cute little Vespa motor scooter around, having fun in the sun as he scoots around town. With the loss of his leather clad Harley buddies, Exhausted has found new friends that are a little more fun to hang around. Exhausted shows a strong focus on pleasing his loving wife going far above the normal duties of husbandry. Once the bedroom door shuts it’s on like Donkey Kong, Al comes alive!. His wife has said that he’s the perfect lover. An outside view would contain the thoughts of a gentleman in public and a wild beast in bed. His wife’s club name is Contented his is Exhausted you figure it out.

"Horney Bastard" - Scott ~ (RBSC 004) This guy is always looking for action. . . Lock up your sisters, mothers, and grandmothers, Scott loves women of all ages. Once he reads this, I know I will be updating it. If you’re a woman and looking for action, Scott’s your man. Horney, write up your Bio and I will change this. Horney is a recruiter for the California Army National Guard and he’s single. Knighted December 2nd 2006.

"Lucky Bastard" - Will ~ (RBSC 001) I have done so much I should be dead already: U.S. Navy, Blackjack Dealer, Tennis Instructor, HVAC Contractor, sales guy, NASCAR showcar guy, V.P. of Sales, Active 20/30 Club Past President, Easter Seals Board Member, ACCA Board Member. I once had five jobs at the same time! I count cards, I play poker. I love scooters. Currently, I have two Vespas: a kitted 2006 LX190, and a 2007 GT-60. I also have a 1966 Lambretta SX200 that is getting a total restoration. Knighted October 31st 2006.

"Old Bastard" - GT ~ (RBSC 003) He purchased his first Vespa in San Francisco in the year 1966! He drove that Vespa 150 off the showroom floor. GT says in those days people drove a little slower and he had no trouble taking that scooter up to Reno or Tahoe. GT is a lifetime member of E Clampus Vitusus. He owned a go-go joint. We consider GT the hands on guy for what a 60’s chick should look and feel like. Army Vet / Tanker. . . GT is retired and single. Knighted November 4th 2006.

"Randy Bastard" - Randy ~ (RBSC 048) I began riding when I was 7 on a Z50 Mini Trail Honda. My family owned a motorcycle salvage yard...I am a true Junk Yard Dog. I graduated in 1991 from Cal State University of Sacramento witha BS in Marketing. My parents started up A&S BMW Motorcycles in 1988...out with the salvage and in with the new. We became the largest BMW Motorcycle dealership in the world in 2003. At that point my parents retired and I became the dealer Principal. We started Vespa Roseville in 2005. I am married with two children, and live in Lincoln, CA where I remain an avid motorcyclist and scooterist. It’s all about the ride!

"Rowdy Bastard" - Megan ~ (RBSC 047) is an advocate for any and all 2-wheeled motor vehicles. She rides (and owns) street bikes, dirt bikes and scooters. Having ridden coast to coast, top to bottom of our great nation, participating in several trackdays, and crashing in the dirt and snow with the best– she’s kind of a big deal. Rowdy first met Lucky at the start of her dancing career, when they were both in the ’industry’. He took her under his wing and mentored her to a level of success most dancers are unable to achieve. However, after her career debilitating injury, resulting in the loss of the ability to make her left breast rotate in a counter clockwise motion, Rowdy and Lucky lost touch. After reaching rock bottom in the form of a dead end job at Hot Dog on a Stick, Rowdy knew she had to turn her life around. She found herself and her calling in the motorsports world. And sheer happenstance brought Lucky and Rowdy back together again (looking for the perfect cabbage for a St. Patrick’s Day Feast – they reached for the same head), and into the fold of the Royal Bastard Scooter Club. Nowadays, Rowdy can often be found dancing on the bar, and touting a different boyfriend for each day of the week (she’s taking applications for Tuesdays). Trust us, you won’t want to miss kickin’ it with this chicky! Knighted Nov 13th 2007 in Old Sacramento CA. RBSC 047

"Sassy Bastard" - Sonia ~ (RBSC 010) She has a flower-powered stock light blue LX150. She has mad skills and makes her own custom Vespa seat covers. Sassy enjoys a beer with the boys and giving scooter rides to Conrad, her pet male human. With her natural blond hair and bright blue eyes, Sassy is every Scooterboy’s dream. Sorry boys, she’s taken. She works as a mild-mannered engineer during the day, but at night she loves to listen to one-man bands and hang out in dive bars. Knighted April 14th 2007 by Smug Bastard, Sacramento, CA.

"Skinny Bastard" - Paul ~ (RBSC 020) I used to think throttles were for weenies, but now, when I am not racing my bicycle, you can find me tearing up the streets of East Sac on my GT200. I love trashy thriller novels, 80’s music, and a good splatter flick. Nothing like sitting back with a PBR and the latest issue of fangoria. I have to give credit to my wife and my tapeworm for my "bastardly" name. I work at UCD Medical Center as an RN in the Transplant unit. I can’t tell you why I am in nursing, because I really can’t stand people. I feel like I am interfering with Darwin half the time. A true misanthrope. I enjoy being a Royal Bastard and look forward to meeting more of them. Peace. Knighted June 14th by Sly Bastard, Sacramento, CA.

"Sly Bastard" - Vince ~ (RBSC 017) Lead singer/guitar player that toured around the world, has his own "Sly" appliance business and drives a truck to make more bucks. He has a biker background. His father, RIP, was a Hell’s Angel in the Humboldt Co. chapter. Sly loves to ride his GTS 250ie through the back roads of Sacramento and beyond. He spends most of his scooter down time with his wife and 3 children. Knighted June 7th 2007 by Sassy Bastard, Sacramento, CA.

"Sneaky Bastard" - Hai ~ (RBSC 045) Profile still under construction (that’s code for we are still making stuff up). Check back soon to see what we came up with.

"Super Bastard" - Z’Don ~ (RBSC 002) He wanted us to name the club Butt Rude Scooter Club. Z’Don speaks his mind. Sometimes, we wish he would just learn to keep his bastardly comments to himself. He has a gray 1979 P200E that he says is one bastardized scooter. Z’Don was a drill instructor, now he holds the rank of master sgt. Super Bastard is in charge of a team of recruiters in Sacramento. He is married; we can’t figure out how she stands him. Knighted November 02, 2006.

“Wayward Bastard” – Barbara ~ (RBSC 080) Wayward, Lucky and Super went to Kindergarten together until Wayward was expelled for stealing Super's cookies and Kool-aid at snack time. O.K., it didn't help that she also hit Lucky when he tried to sneak a peek up her dress. Wayward then spent the rest of her youth on a small island in San Francisco Bay (was that Alcatraz or Alameda?) until being reunited with her childhood pals by Rowdy Bastard. Today, Wayward lives on a strict diet of coffee and margaritas, but can't resist occasionally stealing Super's apple pies. She once got so desperate for solid food she ate a piece of pie Lucky had dropped on the floor! Wayward loves coffee, potatoes, glow-in-the dark stuff, coffee, booze, coffee, donuts, coffee and her Dragon Red 2007 Vespa GTS 250. She can usually be found getting transfusions at Starbucks, Peet's, or any local coffeehouses.

"Zany Bastard" - Audrey ~ (RBSC 034) She likes to clown around (really) hence the name. She had a Cushman Scooter as a kid back in ’58 with her brother. She hangs out with Old, a friend since 1980, and her husband’s good friend from Old’s racing days. She has a kitted 190 silver Vespa to match her hair but watch out -- it’s liable to become "bright"! She has 4 grown children including twins, a daughter that is an auto mechanic, 3 step- children, 12 grandchildren and 1 on the way. She loves to dance, listen to music and play the piano. She’s a good cook -- her potato salad earned her 3 proposals of marriage in her single days. Knighted Aug 09, 2007 Sacramento, CA.

San Diego Chapter 005

"Clever Bastard" – Gitta ~ (RBSC 069) Clever is equipped with a sharp tongue and a nimble mind – which manages to simultaneously get her into and out of trouble. That is just how clever she is. Living the scoot perfect life in San Diego, this Bastard has it all. A personal fleet of Vespas, two brilliant cats, scoot enthusiast neighbors and an understanding husband. Clever’s pastimes include unnecessary modifications to her beloved GT Lenore; whipping up bitchen crafts & handmade jewelry to delight, shock and inspire; scooter talk; holding an audience of any kind; engaging in scooter talk; drinking heavily with German octogenarians; scooter talk; and riding, riding, riding her darling Lenore. Knighted on February 16, 2008 in Las Vegas by Oedipus Bastard.

"Complete Bastard" – Julie ~ (RBSC 068) Complete is all-in-one: artistic and mechanical; beer and wine; scooter fixer and scooter killer; musical and chemical; wife and husband; rich and poor. Complete is restoring a 62 VNB Cushman Vespa but rides a red Bajaj Chetak. She comes to San Diego via Denver, Minneapolis and Omaha.

"Oedipus Bastard" - Rex ~ (RBSC 057) Quite possibly the most notable bastard in playright history, Oedipus Rex is famous for killing his father to marry his mother and quench his primal sexual urges in a 420 B.C. Sophocles play. In 2007, Oedipus Bastard joins us from San Diego as he carries a similar artistic background in the arts. He is a singer, songwriter, and videographer who was crowned the winner of the first-ever Yahoo! Talent Show with his upbeat original music and online videos. Immediately following his huge success, he won yet again, this time as grand prize winner of the GO GREEN Vespa Video Challenge featuring his extremely addicting music video, "Vespa Vespa". Knighted Dec 8th 2007 Long Beach CA by Crazy Bastard.

“Shifty Bastard” – Todd ~ (RBSC 076) This profile is still under construction (that’s code for we are still making stuff up). Check back soon to see what we came up with.

"Silent Bastard" - John ~ (RBSC 072) This profile is still under construction (that’s code for we are still making stuff up). Check back soon to see what we came up with.

"Wreckless Bastard" – Liz ~ (RBSC 067) This one time? At band camp? Band geek through and through, Wreckless can be spotted with a purple gig bag strapped to her back while riding to rehearsals on her ET4. She got her valuable college education paid for with a full-ride musical scholarship and even met Complete Bastard at a rehearsal. Unfortunately, these skills don’t pay the bills, so she works in health information management where she reads the amazing storeis of how people come to find themselves in the hospital. If you meet her, ask why these words spell trouble in the same sentence: drunk + naked + on-the-roof. Hopefully she will avoid her own accident and keep the W in Wreckless.

Sherman Oaks Lone Wolves

“Reverend Bastard” – Colin ~ (RBSC 075) Raised as a Southern Baptist (and no, not the ban-on-dancing, arms in the air, Hallelujah'ing crazy kind), Reverend moved to LA in 2000 and has since embraced the agnostic ways of Hollyweird. But in a weird twist of fate, he accidentally clicked on a link on the interweb, and he instantly became ordained as a Reverend in the ULC. Although he has yet to officiate a real wedding, he has married several of his girlfriends whilst they were sleeping (just don't tell them!) Rev works for the greatest boss ever: two of his bonuses were an ET4 in 2004 and a GTS in 2007. Sporting his new Copper/Brown custom paint job from Smokin’ Bastard, some folks refer to the color as "KaKa Brown." Beware of lightning strikes ye bad mouthing bastards, for the Rev has friends in high places!!

Thousand Oaks Chapter 007

“Backwoods Bastard” – Spencer ~ (RBSC 078) This profile is still under construction (that’s code for we are still making stuff up). Check back soon to see what we came up with.

“Doctor Bastard” – (RBSC 086 ) This profile is still under construction (that’s code for we are still making stuff up). Check back soon to see what we came up with.

“Salty Bastard – (RBSC 088) This profile is still under construction (that’s code for we are still making stuff up). Check back soon to see what we came up with.

“Scottish Bastard” – (RBSC 087) This profile is still under construction (that’s code for we are still making stuff up). Check back soon to see what we came up with.

“Smokin Bastard” – David ~ (RBSC 077) This profile is still under construction (that’s code for we are still making stuff up). Check back soon to see what we came up with.

“Stubborn Bastard” – Jameson ~ (RBSC 085) This profile is still under construction (that’s code for we are still making stuff up). Check back soon to see what we came up with.

Wrightwood Lone Wolves

"Crazy Bastard" – Kevin ~ (RBSC 050) Branded Crazy Kevin by his boyhood friends for stunts such as landing on the hood of a car after a really cool ski run through the trees or jumping on a Greyhound bus after high school only to disappear for the next three years. Crazy lives for the moment. Having been diagnosed with everything from ADHD to Restless Leg Syndrome, Crazy enjoys hanging out in caves, mines and closets, anywhere dark, where the voices in his head seem to make sense. Having never been convicted of a crime, Crazy plans on writing a book about his exploits, but only after the statute of limitations runs out. True to the crazy way, he met Wicked on the internet and married her in just three weeks and that was ten years ago. Believing life is short, and hell bent on making it shorter, Crazy has decided to hang around at least a little bit longer after finding safe refuge amongst the only people with which he feels a kind of kinship, The Royal Bastards. Knighted Dec 8th 2007 Long Beach CA by Wicked Bastard.

"Wicked Bastard" – Linda ~ (RBSC 049) To some, Wicked means nasty, morally bad, or just plain crappy to be around. But in New England slang it means just the opposite. Wicked is better than better, like that was a wicked hot apple pie. And that is Wicked Bastard in a word. Born into a family with nine brothers and sisters in northern Maine, she learned early on that to survive she’d have to be wicked fast, wicked smart, and wicked tough. She met Crazy on the internet in 1997 and when he was too chicken to meet her in person she told him not to waste her time. They were married three weeks later. That was wicked fast. She was the first to discover how cool scooters were, and that was wicked smart. She can take a three thousand mile scooter ride in the dark, cold, rainy night, playing dodge deer and still yell out some bastard worthy encouragement to the other riders. Now that’s wicked tough. If you have the opportunity to ride with her at a rally or just a weekender short hop, you also find she’s just plain wicked fun to be around. Knighted Dec 8th 2007 Long Beach CA by Cranky Bastard.

Georgia

Albany Lone Wolves

"Lazy Bastard" - Bret ~ (RBSC 066) Lazy got his first real glimpse of the scooter world while backpacking through France and Italy in the late ’90s. Though it would be several years before he bought one of his own (a vintage green Vespa GT), memories of those zippy little two wheelers buzzing around the congested Parisian and Roman streets never left his mind. As the first avid two-wheeler in his immediate family, Lazy was a bit slow to start and as mechanically inclined as a monkey with an oversized novelty wrench. Presently, he rides an avio gray Vespa GTV, is married, and has no problem owning up to his role as "kept man" and "house husband"...thus, his bastardly name. On the days that Lazy’s wife goes in to fulfill her pharmacist duties and bring home the (soy) bacon, Lazy lounges around the house updating the Royal Bastards’s web site and MySpace page, talking out his ass on Modern Vespa (as breturi7), and using his often disturbing skillz with Photoshop to paste his friends’s heads onto the bodies of leather-clad midgets or the morbidly obese. In the few moments that Lazy is not out riding his scooter, playing on Photoshop, or cooking delicious vegetarian meals for the missus, he entertains dreams of putting his laughable BA in English to some sort of use by becoming a published writer. His first book is tentatively titled Lucky Bastard’s Guide to Absolute Chastity and Righteous Moral Living...needless to say it is a work of complete fiction.

Louisiana

New Orleans Lone Wolves

"Whodat Bastard" - John ~ (RBSC 053) Whodat has been scooting around New Orleans for about 14 years now. Down on his luck with no car in the early ’90s he bought his first scooter. A 1979 Puch moped that had a top speed of 27 MPH that he bought for 50 dollars. A few years later he sold it for $150 and bought a 1993 red Honda Elite 80. Are we not men? Overwhelmed by its raw power (attaining 50 MPH), he rode it for several years until it was stolen in ’99. He went scooterless for a few years feeling nothing could replace his beloved CH80. One day early in the new millennium word had gotten out that a Vespa dealer had opened in the Crescent City. He went to check it out and test rode an ET4. Whodat was smitten but couldn’t afford it so by chance he found a 1985 kitted T5 that a local Jedi Knight was selling. Unfortunately, it didn’t come with papers and he couldn’t negotiate the Byzantine Louisiana Napoleonic code to get it titled and registered. Sadly, he had to let his brief flirtation with vintage go. Whodat was very low at this point and his scooter addiction had made him weak so any cheap ass fix would do. That is why he bought a 2004 TNG Venice. That wonderful ride blew an engine at 1500K (not miles mind you) but Whodat was undaunted he got it fixed and rode it until it died on his way to work in the Spring of 2007. With the new and improved Vespa New Orleans only a few blocks from work Post-K, he walked over at lunchtime and bought a 2007 Classic Red GTS250ie. His life is now whole. When Whodat is not caressing his beloved GTS he is traveling the world and drinking wine with his wife Linda or rooting for his beloved (and namesake) New Orleans Saints (Saints fans are called Whodats) or keeping the Formosan termites from devouring his 150 year old Creole Cottage in da Irish Channel, Uptown, New Orlinz, dahlin.

New York

New York City Lone Wolves

"BigX Bastard" - Xavier ~ (RBSC 040) Tall dark and crazy (Like-a-fox). I’ve had a love for 2 wheels since….well forever. If people don’t see me on Rollerblades, Skateboards, Mt Bikes or my Vespa…then they ask me if everything is okay, I just tell them some time it’s nice just nice to walk..;) I’, in the scene but not really IN the scene. I don’t care if you’re on a Vespa, Lammy, Honda, Yamaha, Suzuki, Kymco, Ducti, KTM, BMW or Harley..you just need a live for bikes and a cool attitude and we’ll be gravy. I usually can’t make it to most rallies, but love to hear the stories (glade it’s not my ass on the net). However when I can go, I try to spread some BigX love around. I’ve had my scoot since 2005, I don’t know what I did with out it before. Of course seeing all the mods and upgrades that people were doing on the web, I immediately started plotting custom mods, which have come along nicely since the warranty has run out..:) So, if you see a black scoot with an "X" on the back you’ve just been in close proximity to BIG X. And you know it feeeels good baby!! Knighted Oct 2007 Richmond VA by Flaming Bastard.

North Carolina

Asheville Lone Wolves

"Blue Bastard" - David ~ (RBSC 025) When Blue was a boy, he was asked to choose his favorite weather. His response: wind. Since then he has had a love for bicycles and scooters. His name comes from his blue Vespa LX150, his favorite color, and his alma maters (two are blue). Blue is a classic wanderer with a good sense of direction, so for him it’s all about the journey. He’s been a higher ed. fundraiser almost all of his career. He’s into nerd music, good beer, Neccos, riding all over the mountains of NC, and his scooterbabe wife Chesley.

"Dirty Bastard" – Seth ~ (RBSC 022) Dirty Bastard lives in Asheville, NC and is often seen riding around town on his beloved Stella, much to the dismay of local authorities and religious zealots. Dirty is also known in scooter circles as Crackhead, not a reference to his drug habit, but rather a reminder that he once split his head open while listening to Arlo Guthrie on his iPod. Arlo isn’t all that bad, you say? Dirty agrees. It probably isn’t a good idea, however, to listen to folk music whilst operating a motor scooter. In this case, it resulted in a collision with a telephone company truck and 25 stitches to his forehead. With a trashed Vespa and settlement check in hand, Dirty acquired the beautiful maiden Stella. And the story continues…

South Carolina

Columbia Lone Wolves

"Rotten Bastard" - Lynn ~ (RBSC 054) Born off the swampy coast of SC, Rotten Bastard enjoys her earthworm collection, frisbee golf, going through the "10 items or less" grocery isle with 11 items and riding her LX 150. Known to fraternize with NC Bastards Dirty and Blue, she gets a kick out of being a Dirty Rotten Blue Bastard. Knighted February 16, 2008 in front of the Excalibur Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas by Whodat Bastard.

Pennsylvania

Philadelphia Chapter 003

"Baldy Bastard" - Clark ~ (RBSC 027) Baldy was the very first image used by Mr. Clean in 1958. After getting caught seducing a dirty little office girl, Baldy was fired and then found work and is now retired from a dirty start-up company called Sony. Baldy has enjoyed riding on two wheels for more than 30 years. After cleaning up Sony, Baldy can now enjoy riding his 2006 Burgman or his 2005 Stella. He enjoys long rides with other Bastards that he calls friends. His favorite thing at a ride, of course, is riding sweep. Knighted July 13th 2007 by Princess Bastard, Bastard Chamber Penn Home, Philly, PA

"Big Mouth Bastard" - Bernie ~ (RBSC 043) Profile still under construction (that’s code for we are still making stuff up). Check back soon to see what we came up with.

"Bitchy Bastard" - Terri ~ (RBSC 038) After being stuck to the back of Sticky Bastard riding bitch and bitching about the way he drives, she finally decided it was time to take control of her own ride. Bitchy went with a bitching green Kymco People 150. It takes a very special person to put up with a Bitchy Bastard. She told me that the seat has a really small lump in it and the oil doesn’t smell right. She says the headlight is not aligned very well and it’s not really getting the same MPG as the dealer sad it would. But other than that it seems to be ok for a scooter. What a bitch! We love ya anyway. Welcome Terri and try to keep your Bitchy side down. Knighted Aug 17th 2007 by Extreme Bastard, Philly, PA

"Crafty Bastard" ~ (RBSC 059) Profile still under construction (that’s code for we are still making stuff up). Check back soon to see what we came up with.

"Extreme Bastard" - Ben ~ (RBSC 035) I got my first Scoot (A Commie Cruiser) in January of 2007. I attempted to jump the Snake River Canyon with it but that didn’t go so well so I just left it at the bottom. I quickly upgraded to my current beast, The Big Flying Ruckus. I bought it because it looks "EXTREME"!!!! With a machine as tuff as this it’s now ok for me to wear pink again. I have been told that I take everything to the umpth degree. (Extreme) You might just notice items on my Ruckus that you can only find in Japan. I love going to rallies, collecting trophies for Best Modern Scooter, and riding with my fellow Bastards. If you need a good laugh, and an EXTREME good time stop by for one of our rides. Knighted Aug 10th 2007 by Sticky Bastard, Linden Ave Boat Ramp Philly, PA

"Genuine Bastard" - Pat ~ (RBSC 028) The day she was born, she bit the doctors’ hand. He mumbled that she was a little bastard. Her mother didn’t hear the doctor, but over the years came to know just how much of a bastard her child really was. Today, you can find Genuine ripping around Philly on her Buddy 125. She holds her own just like any bastard should. She loves the wind in her hair and the fine company of other bastards. Genuine Bastard is willing to take a risk and she always knows when the odds are in her favor. Knighted July 13th 2007 by Baldy Bastard, Bastard Chamber Penn Home, Philly, PA

"Lord Bastard" - Mark ~ (RBSC 014) What can we say, he has a God complex. Self-proclaimed "Lord" enjoys having brunch, then riding his Scooter all over town. Lord is partly responsible for the creation of the Philly Chapter. With the power to smite, Lord will be helping Sticky to grow the Philly Chapter. With the Lord on our side, how could we go wrong? Knighted July 13th 2007 by Sticky Bastard, Bastard Chamber Penn Home, Philly, PA

"Melodious Bastard: - Jon ~ (RBSC 060) ~ Most bastard infants are born crying. Melodious was born singing. During the Sixties he thinks that he may have sung in a famous folk group that shall remain nameless, now disbanded. If you listen closely, you may hear the muffled tones of folk music emerging from under his full face helmet while riding either his Burgman 400 or his Vespa ET4. He enjoys going on rallies and the camaraderie of his fellow Bastards. It brings back ancient memories of those audience participation songs. "Why can’t we all just Sing along?" Jon’s a body builder and personal trainer too ... so don’t make him angry. To be knighted April 6, 2008 at Bowman’s Tower near Washington Crossing, PA.

"Princess Bastard" - Terry ~ (RBSC 026) Each day starts with some Bastard bringing Princess a cup of coffee. She enjoys the finer things in life, including basking in the sun on the family Bayliner. When she is not cruising the waterways of Philly, Princess enjoys mixing it up with the scooter community. Being a Royal Bastard affords her two fine steeds. She has the choice of a ZX50 or the classic Series Italia Buddy 125. With a Bastard entourage, it’s no wonder she leads the life of a Princess. Knighted July 13th 2007 by Lord Bastard, Bastard Chamber Penn Home, Philly, PA

"Sticky Bastard" - Tom ~ (RBSC 013) Sticky fell in love with scooters in Italy during the endless summer of ’85. Before his job went automated, Sticky worked his way up as the head stamp licker for FedEx. He enjoys the reliability of his sexy Vespa GTS250ie. However, he looks forward to the day when he finds that perfect Rally 200 he can kick-start and call bitch. He often finds himself in sticky situations from only Lord knows what. Sticky is our first Bastard on the East Coast. Yo, Philly represents!. We have a lot of love for Tom, even if he is Sticky. Knighted July 27th 2007 by Zippy Bastard, Lake Tahoe, CA.

Texas

Armadillo Chapter 006

“Flatout Bastard” – Jeremy ~ (RBSC 083) This profile is still under construction (that’s code for we are still making stuff up). Check back soon to see what we came up with.

“Friar Bastard” – Eric ~ (RBSC 079) Friar is a native born Texan cowboy who is no stranger to foreign lands. Having gone to school in the city of brotherly love and lived in the land of Poles (i.e. Poland), he is full of northeastern grit and communist rebellion. He began busting his knuckles on a circa 68 Vespa in his late teens. That baby blue rust bucket met its demise at the hands of an F-150 truck that didn't see it as it backed up. Fortunately, Friar wasn’t on it. Public transport and skateboards were the only things this boy knew until a shattered ankle put him out of commission as far as skateboarding was concerned. Now you'll find Friar listening to ghetto krunk ass jams as he runs from his job making espresso to paying the bills and answering his calling at a small Christian community. Friar Bastard rolls hard and loud on a black 2007 GTS with a Leo vince pipe-sans baffles, dodging jacked-up pick-up trucks which could decapitate a full-grown man with their bumpers. If you’re ever in funkytown and want a good cup of coffee or a sermon, make sure to hit up this bald, tattooed and bearded (most of the time) Bastard.

"Irish Bastard" - Pat ~ (RBSC 031) This Bastard is Canadian born, but spent a long time in Northern Ireland where he specialized in working for peace, generally running amok and confusing the British soldiers with his Canadian Passport and his 66 VBB. He may have been responsible for the break out of peace in the late 90’s? -Clinton had nothing to do with it! Retired as an active member of the party club in Oct ’95 and is now a tea totaller. He’s a friend of Jimmy K’s but can still sing a few Irish drinking songs when called upon. Patrick has the ability to tell you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip. (Irish Diplomacy) He rides a Guinness colored two-toned GTS and is still looking for a vintage VBB. His wife recently customized the front cowl of his GT 60 993, so she got it as her ninth anniversary gift. Pat’s an Irish history buff, never order a ’Black & Tan’ when he’s around or you WILL get a lecture on the history of those miserable buggers. His favorite saying is; "Pog Mo Thoin." Don’t know what it means?-then google it you bullocks! (and then do it.) Knighted July 27th 2007 by Greasy Bastard, Lake Tahoe CA.

“Ninja Bastard” – Gillian ~ (RBSC 084) This profile is still under construction (that’s code for we are still making stuff up). Check back soon to see what we came up with.

"Smartass Bastard" – Glenn ~ (RBSC 037) Scooterholic Native to Corry, PA. I have a 2006 Kymco(I call her Medusa) I bought new during Oct. ’06 and have nearly 29,000km on her, you do the math. I live deep in the country on a dirt road where the deer and the buzzards play (you try dodging a stupid buzzard doing 65 MPH. Saved a dogs life once by laying my bike down on a gravel/dirt road instead of hitting the dog, fractured my ankle and my ego. I have a "thing" with attracting dogs (that’s the four legged variety). When those four legged tire biters come after me I come to a complete stop and just lay on the horn, non-stop, to annoy the hell out of their owners. I’ll even lay on the horn at 2am (such a smartass), to proclaim my dissatisfaction. Seemingly, I no longer have a problem with the neighbors dogs. I purposefully forget to buy something at the grocery store just so I can later go out and scoot. I am considering buying a vintage scooter. I love the vintage Vespa and Lambretta, but my dream machine is a German Heinkel Tourist scooter, model 103 A1 or 103 A2 (http://www.heinkeltourist.com/).

Washington

Seattle

"Magnificent Bastard" - Evan ~ (RBSC 030) Always with something smart and horribly inappropriate to say, Magnificent Bastard has truly earned his title through years of hard work of learning exactly what not to say, then promptly saying it for his own personal amusement. He can be found riding around Seattle on Mary Jane, which is also the name of his LX150, often wondering what it would take to have a recreation of the Mods Vs. Rockers riots of Brighton Beach in the 1960s on Alki Beach in Seattle, with modern scooterists vs. sport bikers. Or something like that. Knighted July 13th 2007 by Zippy Bastard, Seattle, WA.

"Zippy Bastard" - Sarah ~ (RBSC 015) Early in the morning, with a smile on her face, she fires up the Fly. This is no normal Fly, it’s a Blue Beast. Kitted to 190cc with a Sito+ exhaust. Zippy Bastard zips in and out of traffic on her daily ride to work. Some say that your scooter takes on a little of your personality. Zippy is strong and confident, no wonder she’s taken! Zippy took on the challenge of starting a Royal Bastards chapter in Seattle. She is our sister in Seattle and if anyone picks on her, we are gonna kick their ass!