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Email us for chapter info
Chapters and Areas:
-California-
Bay Area, CA
Slow Bastard
Long Beach, CA
La Femme Bastard
Los Angeles, CA
Reverend Bastard
Orange County, CA
Hairy Bastard
Sacramento, CA
Sassy Bastard
San Diego, CA
Clever Bastard
-Louisiana-
New Orleans, LA
Whodat Bastard
-North Carolina-
Western, NC
Dirty Bastard
-Pennsylvania-
Philidelphia, PA
Lord Bastard
-Texas-
Houston, TX
Irish Bastard
-Washington-
Seattle, WA
Magnificent Bastard
-United Kingdom-
London, UK
Gracious Bastard
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UK Bastards
Great Britain
London Lone Wolves
"Mercurial Bastard" – Genie ~ (RBSC 064) Profile
still under construction (that’s code for we are still
making stuff up) Check back soon to see what we came up with.
"Gracious" – Kate ~ (RBSC
065) Gracious Bastard is posh bastard that went to seed after
leaving Cambridge. She is a cartoonist that dodges traffic
in London on her Vespa. Her other interests are cartooning,
recreational cigarettes, soul music, gigs, dancing and drinking
beer. In April 2008 she was knighted in the Foundry pub in
the East End of London by Smart and Mercurial with a pint
of organic ale.
American Bastards
Arizona
Mesa Lone Wolves
"Sinister Bastard" – Jeremiah
~ (RBSC 036) He was given the name due to the fact he’s
a cold hearted two stroke love maker. He enjoys a good pint
or two and spending time working on his and his mates bikes.
Sin has traveled as far as merry ol’ England to go to
rally’s and has owned more then 9 Vespa’s since
the age of 15.
California
Bay Area Chapter 002
"Dreaded Bastard" - Ryan ~ (RBSC
008) One stand up guy. Misplaced his comb 7 years ago. SF
medical provider since 2002. Rides a Tits Vespa GT60 609.
Hard to miss, even harder to catch. Enjoys an organic lifestyle,
views of the Bay, and long walks on the beach. Knighted April
7th 2007 by Evil Bastard, Mt. Tamalpais, CA.
"Drunk Bastard " - Rubin ~ (RBSC
011) On a cold night, you can always find Drunk with a skirt
on. Many people know him as "Scooter Skirt" Rubin
but to us he is just a Drunk Bastard. He has a loving wife
and a little one that he enjoys spending time with. But on
a full moon, with his wife’s permission, Drunk is by
our side slamming down ale with a big smile on his face. Knighted
June 30th, 2007 by Smug Bastard, Vacaville, CA.
"Slow Bastard" - Dan ~ (RBSC 073)
I have been riding since I was 12 years old. The last 20 years
has been mostly on Harleys, that's why I'm "olhogrider"
on MV. After a brief stint on Ducatis I discovered scooters.
My first was a Chinese Junk, which I still have, only now
my oldest daughter is riding it. Now I ride a GTS. I was knighted
in Las Vegas at the High Rollers weekend. These days my job
consists of sitting in a chair and staring out the window.
That chair is moving at over 500 mph!
"Smart Bastard" - Christina ~ (RBSC
071) Profile still under construction (that’s code for
we are still making stuff up) Check back soon to see what
we came up with.
"Troubled Bastard" - Tanya ~ (RBSC
070) Trouble was knighted on a foggy San Francisco night, in the
early months of 2008 by the bastards of yesteryear. The actual
date has been lost to the sands of time. The LA native sells Vespas
in SF for a living, but for fun she can be found chasing girls,
knitting, knife fights, adding chrome to her GTV and pimped GTS, drafting off
trucks on the 5 freeway or adding to her tattoo collection. No kids, but two
very high matainence cats make up her family in SF. If you’ve got Trouble,
you’ve got a lot on your hands.
"Über Bastard" - Phil ~ (RBSC
021) The name says it all. This guy’s not just a Bastard,
he’s a Uber Bastard. If you see skulls coming at you
in your rear view mirror, you know pure evil is right behind
you. Two P200s and a Lambretta just aren’t enough for
this guy who will probably keep torturing his wife with an
ever-growing vintage scooter collection. Knighted July 29th
2007 by Lucky Bastard, Lake Tahoe, CA.
Beaumont Lone Wolves
“Scrappy Bastard – Becky ~ (RBSC 081) On the day
she got her LX150 she “parked at speed” and broke
her collarbone. Eight weeks later she was back in the saddle
at the MSF course with a bunch of cocky, Harley Davidson riding
punks who were half her age and had no fashion sense whatsoever.
They sneered at her until she outscored them and was ranked
#4 in the class. The next month Scrappy went to her first
rally - 141 miles complete with high winds, blowing sand and
riding after sundown for the first time. Is it any wonder
they call her “Scrappy?” When she’s not
chasing the four kids at home or herding the cats teaching
kindergarten, she likes to read, listen to music, garden,
scrapbook, and ride her scooter. Facials and hot stone massages
are also high on her happy list. Scrappy was knighted by Wicked
on April 19, 2008 in San Diego’s Presidio Park.
“Tiny Bastard” – Doug ~ (RBSC 082) Tiny
has never been tiny. Even as a kid he was the biggest one
in his class. He is incorrigible to say the least (well, maybe
just stupid). When he was 12 his older brother David told
him to jump off the roof and grab the hula-hoop as he passed
through. He did and hit the ground with a thud. Then when
Dave needed a moving target for his BB gun, Tiny went to the
other side of the yard and ran back and forth. Little did
they know that Tiny was just “paying David forward”
for borrowing his motorcycle. Technically it was stealing,
but it was in the family, so that doesn’t count. Tiny
has been riding motorcycles since he was 14. His gullible
wife Scrappy let him back on two wheels in 2006 when he told
her he wanted to buy a scooter. So what if it was a Burgman
650, aka a motorcycle in disguise? It took a few months for
her to figure out the difference. When Scrappy told him that
she wanted to ride her own scooter it was as if he had died
and gone to heaven. Tiny bought Scrappy an LX150, which she
promptly parked at speed, but that’s another story.
In 2008 Tiny sold his Maxi and bought a GTS and has never
looked back. Knighted April 19th by Crazy Bastard in San Diego’s
Presidio Park after watching chicks in fishnets and tank tops
roller derby.
Del Mar Lone Wolves
"Cranky Bastard" – Karen ~
(RBSC 039) Bio? I don’t need no stinkin’ bio!
Since I’m new to the joys of motorized cycling, I’ve
got lots of lost time to make up for. Or maybe it’s
just an unshakable case of scooter wanderlust. Either way,
I’m spending way too much time on the road and in the
saddle to be typing up my humdrum story. Now, quit pestering
me about a bio and let’s go for a nice long ride! Hey,
y’all call me Cranky. What did you expect? Knighted
Dec 8th 2007 Long Beach CA by Lucky Bastard.
Fresno Lone Wolves
"T-Bone Bastard" - Tom ~ (RBSC 012) Rockabilly lamb
chop Vespa Tech for SF Vespa. He knows how to make his black
GT200 Vespa purr like a kitten. T-Bone has a great sense of
humor and finds joy in a tall glass of Stella. T-Bone is a
real Scooterboy. He is living in sin with his sexy and fun
girlfriend who has two jobs! Cheers to you! Knighted May 5th
2007 by Smug Bastard, Cambell, CA.
Hollywood Lone Wolves
"Greasy Bastard" - Aaron ~ (RBSC
016) Greasy is living the Scooterboy’s dream as a Vespa
Tech. He owns and operates his own Scooter Repair shop. He
also does engine work on the side for race teams. Greasy gets
around; I have seen him in pubs in San Francisco. He has knowledge
of strange and far away places. Greasy has a collection of
Vespa and Lambrettas. He loves long rides and the sound of
a Lambretta engine winding up and powering through curves
with the protection of a really thin leather jacket. Knighted
May 26th 2007 by T-Bone Bastard, San Francisco, CA.
Long Beach Lone Wolves
"Hairy Bastard" - Brian ~ (RBSC
063) Profile is currently under construction (that’s
code for we are still making stuff up) Check back soon to
see what we came up with.
"La Femme Bastard" - Sylvia ~ (RBSC
062) Le Femme Bastard is the quintessential international
woman of mystery. She enjoys a mishmash of things, including
speaking about herself in the 3rd person, confusing the masses,
the innuendo of Beatles songs, saving the earth, and Feist.
Le Femme digs on a slew of hobbies such as cooking, eating,
snowboarding, music (all kinds), travel, and cruising through
Compton on her beloved Vespa. She can also issue (anyone who
needs it) a good ole fashioned cursing in four different languages.
Nikita ain’t got shit on me, word? She rocks a chromed
out diamond white LX150 with a homemade shag blue seat cover.
Monterey Lone Wolves
"Aussie Bastard" - Marc ~ (RBSC
032). I didn’t get the scooter bug until I moved to
California from Australia. Where I lived, down there, scooters
were impractical even though my Muslim/Catholic godfather
had a P200(true, even about the P200). I started looking around
for a ride in ’99, and was amazed that a beater mid-70’s
P series was going for around three and half. This cooled
me off a little. Then I saw the ’new’ Vino 49cc
at the local sportsbike shop and plopped down the credit card.
What a dog, I stage-oned it, added tecnomoto variator and
Technigas pipe, upjetted the carb two sizes. I was clocked
by the missus at 60mph! I was about 30 lbs lighter back then,
even. Then the ET’s came out in ’01 and we were
all over it. We went to King’s Classic, Endless Summer,
Yosemite National Park... In ’02 I was feeling the need
for a vintage scooter and sold the Vino to buy a Lambretta
Vega. I love ’oddscoots’. I shipped the engine
off to WCLW, stripped the body and had it painted ’Venus
Green’, an original color. It was a frankenscoot and
parts were only available in the U.K. There wasn’t much
interest in them back then and it was tough. When the GTS
came out, I wanted to trade the ET on it, but the wife wouldn’t
let me, with all the mods on it I have over 12k in that thing!
Anyway, it’s great to be a Bastard! Long live the RBSC!
Cheers, Aussie. Knighted July 29th 2007 by Über Bastard,
Lake Tahoe, CA.
"Mrs. Aussie Bastard" – Belinda
~ (RBSC 033) Profile still under construction (that’s
code for we are still making stuff up). Check back soon to
see what we came up with.
Sacramento Chapter 001
"BBQ Bastard" - Rick ~ (RBSC 061)
I was knighted by Rowdy Bastard in the middle of the Vespa
showroom in Roseville. Thanks to Randy bastard, I have a 14
year old daughter who keeps me out of trouble. My scoots have
ranged from a Heinkle to a P-200 to a couple of ETs and finally
to a GTS 250. While out riding I'm always looking for a grill
with a nice ash.
"Cheap Bastard" - Mark ~ (RBSC 005)
Well, what can we say about a guy with a name like Cheep?
Yea, he won’t buy you a drink, but he might get you
to buy him one. Cheep was frat brothers with Kevin Costner.
He doesn’t remember much about school other than all
the boinking that was going on. Mark is in outside sales for
the HVAC trade. He has a wonderful wife and 15 kids. Ok, well,
only 4 kids, but really what’s the difference anyway?
Cheep got a great deal on a 2006 Vintage Red Vespa. Knighted
on January15th 2006.
"Cocky Bastard" - John ~ (RBSC 041)
Profile is currently under construction (that’s code
for we are still making stuff up). Check back soon to see
what we came up with.
"Contented Bastard"- Nancy ~ (RBSC
052) She wanted a scooter for a while but never got around
to it until a yellow Vespa 250 called her name and she HAD
to answer. It’s stock and since she hasn’t gotten
past the fear of getting dirty working on it yet, it looks
like it will stay that way until she can come up with a good
bribe to get Exhausted to make some changes for her! She’s
been happily married to Exhausted Bastard for more than half
her life. She has one son that got married this year so now
she says she has a daughter and a "Grandkitty" to
spoil too! She does daycare for a living and when she grows
up she has no idea of what she will actually do...Retire??
If you can’t find her on her scoot you will either find
her working out at the gym, on the road attempting to train
for a marathon (yeah, right), taking a class at Sierra College
or riding on the back of one of Exhausted’s other bikes.
"Exhausted Bastard" - Al ~ (RBSC
051) Exhausted was born on the same night that chiacago died.
His hobbies were filling his garage with Harleys until the
Vespa bug bit him. Now Exhausted enjoys exploring his fem
side by riding a cute little Vespa motor scooter around, having
fun in the sun as he scoots around town. With the loss of
his leather clad Harley buddies, Exhausted has found new friends
that are a little more fun to hang around. Exhausted shows
a strong focus on pleasing his loving wife going far above
the normal duties of husbandry. Once the bedroom door shuts
it’s on like Donkey Kong, Al comes alive!. His wife
has said that he’s the perfect lover. An outside view
would contain the thoughts of a gentleman in public and a
wild beast in bed. His wife’s club name is Contented
his is Exhausted you figure it out.
"Horney Bastard" - Scott ~ (RBSC
004) This guy is always looking for action. . . Lock up your
sisters, mothers, and grandmothers, Scott loves women of all
ages. Once he reads this, I know I will be updating it. If
you’re a woman and looking for action, Scott’s
your man. Horney, write up your Bio and I will change this.
Horney is a recruiter for the California Army National Guard
and he’s single. Knighted December 2nd 2006.
"Lucky Bastard" - Will ~ (RBSC 001)
I have done so much I should be dead already: U.S. Navy, Blackjack
Dealer, Tennis Instructor, HVAC Contractor, sales guy, NASCAR
showcar guy, V.P. of Sales, Active 20/30 Club Past President,
Easter Seals Board Member, ACCA Board Member. I once had five
jobs at the same time! I count cards, I play poker. I love
scooters. Currently, I have two Vespas: a kitted 2006 LX190,
and a 2007 GT-60. I also have a 1966 Lambretta SX200 that
is getting a total restoration. Knighted October 31st 2006.
"Old Bastard" - GT ~ (RBSC 003)
He purchased his first Vespa in San Francisco in the year
1966! He drove that Vespa 150 off the showroom floor. GT says
in those days people drove a little slower and he had no trouble
taking that scooter up to Reno or Tahoe. GT is a lifetime
member of E Clampus Vitusus. He owned a go-go joint. We consider
GT the hands on guy for what a 60’s chick should look
and feel like. Army Vet / Tanker. . . GT is retired and single.
Knighted November 4th 2006.
"Randy Bastard" - Randy ~ (RBSC
048) I began riding when I was 7 on a Z50 Mini Trail Honda.
My family owned a motorcycle salvage yard...I am a true Junk
Yard Dog. I graduated in 1991 from Cal State University of
Sacramento witha BS in Marketing. My parents started up A&S
BMW Motorcycles in 1988...out with the salvage and in with
the new. We became the largest BMW Motorcycle dealership in
the world in 2003. At that point my parents retired and I
became the dealer Principal. We started Vespa Roseville in
2005. I am married with two children, and live in Lincoln,
CA where I remain an avid motorcyclist and scooterist. It’s
all about the ride!
"Rowdy Bastard" - Megan ~ (RBSC
047) is an advocate for any and all 2-wheeled motor vehicles.
She rides (and owns) street bikes, dirt bikes and scooters.
Having ridden coast to coast, top to bottom of our great nation,
participating in several trackdays, and crashing in the dirt
and snow with the best– she’s kind of a big deal.
Rowdy first met Lucky at the start of her dancing career,
when they were both in the ’industry’. He took
her under his wing and mentored her to a level of success
most dancers are unable to achieve. However, after her career
debilitating injury, resulting in the loss of the ability
to make her left breast rotate in a counter clockwise motion,
Rowdy and Lucky lost touch. After reaching rock bottom in
the form of a dead end job at Hot Dog on a Stick, Rowdy knew
she had to turn her life around. She found herself and her
calling in the motorsports world. And sheer happenstance brought
Lucky and Rowdy back together again (looking for the perfect
cabbage for a St. Patrick’s Day Feast – they reached
for the same head), and into the fold of the Royal Bastard
Scooter Club. Nowadays, Rowdy can often be found dancing on
the bar, and touting a different boyfriend for each day of
the week (she’s taking applications for Tuesdays). Trust
us, you won’t want to miss kickin’ it with this
chicky! Knighted Nov 13th 2007 in Old Sacramento CA. RBSC
047
"Sassy Bastard" - Sonia ~ (RBSC
010) She has a flower-powered stock light blue LX150. She
has mad skills and makes her own custom Vespa seat covers.
Sassy enjoys a beer with the boys and giving scooter rides
to Conrad, her pet male human. With her natural blond hair
and bright blue eyes, Sassy is every Scooterboy’s dream.
Sorry boys, she’s taken. She works as a mild-mannered
engineer during the day, but at night she loves to listen
to one-man bands and hang out in dive bars. Knighted April
14th 2007 by Smug Bastard, Sacramento, CA.
"Skinny Bastard" - Paul ~ (RBSC
020) I used to think throttles were for weenies, but now,
when I am not racing my bicycle, you can find me tearing up
the streets of East Sac on my GT200. I love trashy thriller
novels, 80’s music, and a good splatter flick. Nothing
like sitting back with a PBR and the latest issue of fangoria.
I have to give credit to my wife and my tapeworm for my "bastardly"
name. I work at UCD Medical Center as an RN in the Transplant
unit. I can’t tell you why I am in nursing, because
I really can’t stand people. I feel like I am interfering
with Darwin half the time. A true misanthrope. I enjoy being
a Royal Bastard and look forward to meeting more of them.
Peace. Knighted June 14th by Sly Bastard, Sacramento, CA.
"Sly Bastard" - Vince ~ (RBSC 017)
Lead singer/guitar player that toured around the world, has
his own "Sly" appliance business and drives a truck
to make more bucks. He has a biker background. His father,
RIP, was a Hell’s Angel in the Humboldt Co. chapter.
Sly loves to ride his GTS 250ie through the back roads of
Sacramento and beyond. He spends most of his scooter down
time with his wife and 3 children. Knighted June 7th 2007
by Sassy Bastard, Sacramento, CA.
"Sneaky Bastard" - Hai ~ (RBSC 045)
Profile still under construction (that’s code for we
are still making stuff up). Check back soon to see what we
came up with.
"Super Bastard" - Z’Don ~
(RBSC 002) He wanted us to name the club Butt Rude Scooter
Club. Z’Don speaks his mind. Sometimes, we wish he would
just learn to keep his bastardly comments to himself. He has
a gray 1979 P200E that he says is one bastardized scooter.
Z’Don was a drill instructor, now he holds the rank
of master sgt. Super Bastard is in charge of a team of recruiters
in Sacramento. He is married; we can’t figure out how
she stands him. Knighted November 02, 2006.
“Wayward Bastard” – Barbara
~ (RBSC 080) Wayward, Lucky and Super went to Kindergarten together
until Wayward was expelled for stealing Super's cookies and Kool-aid at
snack time. O.K., it didn't help that she also hit Lucky when he tried
to sneak a peek up her dress. Wayward then spent the rest of her youth
on a small island in San Francisco Bay (was that Alcatraz or Alameda?) until
being reunited with her childhood pals by Rowdy Bastard. Today,
Wayward lives on a strict diet of coffee and margaritas, but can't resist
occasionally stealing Super's apple pies. She once got so desperate for
solid food she ate a piece of pie Lucky had dropped on the floor! Wayward
loves coffee, potatoes, glow-in-the dark stuff, coffee, booze, coffee, donuts,
coffee and her Dragon Red 2007 Vespa GTS 250. She can usually be found getting
transfusions at Starbucks, Peet's, or any local coffeehouses.
"Zany Bastard" - Audrey ~ (RBSC 034) She likes to
clown around (really) hence the name. She had a Cushman Scooter
as a kid back in ’58 with her brother. She hangs out
with Old, a friend since 1980, and her husband’s good
friend from Old’s racing days. She has a kitted 190
silver Vespa to match her hair but watch out -- it’s
liable to become "bright"! She has 4 grown children
including twins, a daughter that is an auto mechanic, 3 step-
children, 12 grandchildren and 1 on the way. She loves to
dance, listen to music and play the piano. She’s a good
cook -- her potato salad earned her 3 proposals of marriage
in her single days. Knighted Aug 09, 2007 Sacramento, CA.
San Diego Chapter 005
"Clever Bastard" – Gitta ~
(RBSC 069) Clever is equipped with a sharp tongue and a nimble
mind – which manages to simultaneously get her into
and out of trouble. That is just how clever she is. Living
the scoot perfect life in San Diego, this Bastard has it all.
A personal fleet of Vespas, two brilliant cats, scoot enthusiast
neighbors and an understanding husband. Clever’s pastimes
include unnecessary modifications to her beloved GT Lenore;
whipping up bitchen crafts & handmade jewelry to delight,
shock and inspire; scooter talk; holding an audience of any
kind; engaging in scooter talk; drinking heavily with German
octogenarians; scooter talk; and riding, riding, riding her
darling Lenore. Knighted on February 16, 2008 in Las Vegas
by Oedipus Bastard.
"Complete Bastard" – Julie
~ (RBSC 068) Complete is all-in-one: artistic and mechanical;
beer and wine; scooter fixer and scooter killer; musical and
chemical; wife and husband; rich and poor. Complete is restoring
a 62 VNB Cushman Vespa but rides a red Bajaj Chetak. She comes
to San Diego via Denver, Minneapolis and Omaha.
"Oedipus Bastard" - Rex ~ (RBSC
057) Quite possibly the most notable bastard in playright
history, Oedipus Rex is famous for killing his father to marry
his mother and quench his primal sexual urges in a 420 B.C.
Sophocles play. In 2007, Oedipus Bastard joins us from San
Diego as he carries a similar artistic background in the arts.
He is a singer, songwriter, and videographer who was crowned
the winner of the first-ever Yahoo! Talent Show with his upbeat
original music and online videos. Immediately following his
huge success, he won yet again, this time as grand prize winner
of the GO GREEN Vespa Video Challenge featuring his extremely
addicting music video, "Vespa Vespa". Knighted Dec
8th 2007 Long Beach CA by Crazy Bastard.
“Shifty Bastard” – Todd
~ (RBSC 076) This profile is still under construction (that’s
code for we are still making stuff up). Check back soon to
see what we came up with.
"Silent Bastard" - John ~ (RBSC 072) This profile
is still under construction (that’s code for we are
still making stuff up). Check back soon to see what we came
up with.
"Wreckless Bastard" – Liz ~ (RBSC 067) This
one time? At band camp? Band geek through and through, Wreckless
can be spotted with a purple gig bag strapped to her back
while riding to rehearsals on her ET4. She got her valuable
college education paid for with a full-ride musical scholarship
and even met Complete Bastard at a rehearsal. Unfortunately,
these skills don’t pay the bills, so she works in health
information management where she reads the amazing storeis
of how people come to find themselves in the hospital. If
you meet her, ask why these words spell trouble in the same
sentence: drunk + naked + on-the-roof. Hopefully she will
avoid her own accident and keep the W in Wreckless.
Sherman Oaks Lone Wolves
“Reverend Bastard” – Colin ~ (RBSC 075)
Raised as a Southern Baptist (and no, not the ban-on-dancing,
arms in the air, Hallelujah'ing crazy kind), Reverend moved
to LA in 2000 and has since embraced the agnostic ways of
Hollyweird. But in a weird twist of fate, he accidentally
clicked on a link on the interweb, and he instantly became
ordained as a Reverend in the ULC. Although he has yet to
officiate a real wedding, he has married several of his girlfriends
whilst they were sleeping (just don't tell them!) Rev works
for the greatest boss ever: two of his bonuses were an ET4
in 2004 and a GTS in 2007. Sporting his new Copper/Brown custom
paint job from Smokin’ Bastard, some folks refer to
the color as "KaKa Brown." Beware of lightning strikes
ye bad mouthing bastards, for the Rev has friends in high
places!!
Thousand Oaks Chapter
007
“Backwoods Bastard” – Spencer
~ (RBSC 078) This profile is still under construction (that’s
code for we are still making stuff up). Check back soon to
see what we came up with.
“Doctor Bastard” – (RBSC
086 ) This profile is still under construction (that’s
code for we are still making stuff up). Check back soon to
see what we came up with.
“Salty Bastard – (RBSC 088) This
profile is still under construction (that’s code for
we are still making stuff up). Check back soon to see what
we came up with.
“Scottish Bastard” – (RBSC
087) This profile is still under construction (that’s
code for we are still making stuff up). Check back soon to
see what we came up with.
“Smokin Bastard” – David
~ (RBSC 077) This profile is still under construction (that’s
code for we are still making stuff up). Check back soon to
see what we came up with.
“Stubborn Bastard” – Jameson
~ (RBSC 085) This profile is still under construction (that’s
code for we are still making stuff up). Check back soon to
see what we came up with.
Wrightwood Lone Wolves
"Crazy Bastard" – Kevin ~
(RBSC 050) Branded Crazy Kevin by his boyhood friends for
stunts such as landing on the hood of a car after a really
cool ski run through the trees or jumping on a Greyhound bus
after high school only to disappear for the next three years.
Crazy lives for the moment. Having been diagnosed with everything
from ADHD to Restless Leg Syndrome, Crazy enjoys hanging out
in caves, mines and closets, anywhere dark, where the voices
in his head seem to make sense. Having never been convicted
of a crime, Crazy plans on writing a book about his exploits,
but only after the statute of limitations runs out. True to
the crazy way, he met Wicked on the internet and married her
in just three weeks and that was ten years ago. Believing
life is short, and hell bent on making it shorter, Crazy has
decided to hang around at least a little bit longer after
finding safe refuge amongst the only people with which he
feels a kind of kinship, The Royal Bastards. Knighted Dec
8th 2007 Long Beach CA by Wicked Bastard.
"Wicked Bastard" – Linda ~
(RBSC 049) To some, Wicked means nasty, morally bad, or just
plain crappy to be around. But in New England slang it means
just the opposite. Wicked is better than better, like that
was a wicked hot apple pie. And that is Wicked Bastard in
a word. Born into a family with nine brothers and sisters
in northern Maine, she learned early on that to survive she’d
have to be wicked fast, wicked smart, and wicked tough. She
met Crazy on the internet in 1997 and when he was too chicken
to meet her in person she told him not to waste her time.
They were married three weeks later. That was wicked fast.
She was the first to discover how cool scooters were, and
that was wicked smart. She can take a three thousand mile
scooter ride in the dark, cold, rainy night, playing dodge
deer and still yell out some bastard worthy encouragement
to the other riders. Now that’s wicked tough. If you
have the opportunity to ride with her at a rally or just a
weekender short hop, you also find she’s just plain
wicked fun to be around. Knighted Dec 8th 2007 Long Beach
CA by Cranky Bastard.
Georgia
Albany Lone Wolves
"Lazy Bastard" - Bret ~ (RBSC 066)
Lazy got his first real glimpse of the scooter world while
backpacking through France and Italy in the late ’90s.
Though it would be several years before he bought one of his
own (a vintage green Vespa GT), memories of those zippy little
two wheelers buzzing around the congested Parisian and Roman
streets never left his mind. As the first avid two-wheeler
in his immediate family, Lazy
was a bit slow to start and as mechanically inclined
as a monkey with an oversized novelty wrench. Presently, he
rides an avio gray Vespa GTV, is married, and has no problem
owning up to his role as "kept man" and "house
husband"...thus, his bastardly name. On the days that
Lazy’s wife goes in to fulfill her pharmacist duties
and bring home the (soy) bacon, Lazy lounges around the house
updating the Royal Bastards’s web site and MySpace page,
talking out his ass on Modern Vespa (as breturi7), and using
his often disturbing skillz with Photoshop to paste his friends’s
heads onto the bodies of leather-clad midgets or the morbidly
obese. In the few moments that Lazy is not out riding his
scooter, playing on Photoshop, or cooking delicious vegetarian
meals for the missus, he entertains dreams of putting his
laughable BA in English to some sort of use by becoming a
published writer. His first book is tentatively titled Lucky
Bastard’s Guide to Absolute Chastity and Righteous Moral
Living...needless to say it is a work of complete fiction.
Louisiana
New Orleans Lone Wolves
"Whodat Bastard" - John ~ (RBSC
053) Whodat has been scooting around New Orleans for about
14 years now. Down on his luck with no car in the early ’90s
he bought his first scooter. A 1979 Puch moped that had a
top speed of 27 MPH that he bought for 50 dollars. A few years
later he sold it for $150 and bought a 1993 red Honda Elite
80. Are we not men? Overwhelmed by its raw power (attaining
50 MPH), he rode it for several years until it was stolen
in ’99. He went scooterless for a few years feeling
nothing could replace his beloved CH80. One day early in the
new millennium word had gotten out that a Vespa dealer had
opened in the Crescent City. He went to check it out and test
rode an ET4. Whodat was smitten but couldn’t afford
it so by chance he found a 1985 kitted T5 that a local Jedi
Knight was selling. Unfortunately, it didn’t come with
papers and he couldn’t negotiate the Byzantine Louisiana
Napoleonic code to get it titled and registered. Sadly, he
had to let his brief flirtation with vintage go. Whodat was
very low at this point and his scooter addiction had made
him weak so any cheap ass fix would do. That is why he bought
a 2004 TNG Venice. That wonderful ride blew an engine at 1500K
(not miles mind you) but Whodat was undaunted he got it fixed
and rode it until it died on his way to work in the Spring
of 2007. With the new and improved Vespa New Orleans only
a few blocks from work Post-K, he walked over at lunchtime
and bought a 2007 Classic Red GTS250ie. His life is now whole.
When Whodat is not caressing his beloved GTS he is traveling
the world and drinking wine with his wife Linda or rooting
for his beloved (and namesake) New Orleans Saints (Saints
fans are called Whodats) or keeping the Formosan termites
from devouring his 150 year old Creole Cottage in da Irish
Channel, Uptown, New Orlinz, dahlin.
New York
New York City Lone Wolves
"BigX Bastard" - Xavier ~ (RBSC
040) Tall dark and crazy (Like-a-fox). I’ve had a love
for 2 wheels since….well forever. If people don’t
see me on Rollerblades, Skateboards, Mt Bikes or my Vespa…then
they ask me if everything is okay, I just tell them some time
it’s nice just nice to walk..;) I’, in the scene
but not really IN the scene. I don’t care if you’re
on a Vespa, Lammy, Honda, Yamaha, Suzuki, Kymco, Ducti, KTM,
BMW or Harley..you just need a live for bikes and a cool attitude
and we’ll be gravy. I usually can’t make it to
most rallies, but love to hear the stories (glade it’s
not my ass on the net). However when I can go, I try to spread
some BigX love around. I’ve had my scoot since 2005,
I don’t know what I did with out it before. Of course
seeing all the mods and upgrades that people were doing on
the web, I immediately started plotting custom mods, which
have come along nicely since the warranty has run out..:)
So, if you see a black scoot with an "X" on the
back you’ve just been in close proximity to BIG X. And
you know it feeeels good baby!! Knighted Oct 2007 Richmond
VA by Flaming Bastard.
North Carolina
Asheville Lone Wolves
"Blue Bastard" - David ~ (RBSC 025)
When Blue was a boy, he was asked to choose his favorite weather.
His response: wind. Since then he has had a love for bicycles
and scooters. His name comes from his blue Vespa LX150, his
favorite color, and his alma maters (two are blue). Blue is
a classic wanderer with a good sense of direction, so for
him it’s all about the journey. He’s been a higher
ed. fundraiser almost all of his career. He’s into nerd
music, good beer, Neccos, riding all over the mountains of
NC, and his scooterbabe wife Chesley.
"Dirty Bastard" – Seth ~ (RBSC
022) Dirty Bastard lives in Asheville, NC and is often seen
riding around town on his beloved Stella, much to the dismay
of local authorities and religious zealots. Dirty is also
known in scooter circles as Crackhead, not a reference to
his drug habit, but rather a reminder that he once split his
head open while listening to Arlo Guthrie on his iPod. Arlo
isn’t all that bad, you say? Dirty agrees. It probably
isn’t a good idea, however, to listen to folk music
whilst operating a motor scooter. In this case, it resulted
in a collision with a telephone company truck and 25 stitches
to his forehead. With a trashed Vespa and settlement check
in hand, Dirty acquired the beautiful maiden Stella. And the
story continues…
South Carolina
Columbia Lone Wolves
"Rotten Bastard" -
Lynn ~ (RBSC 054) Born off the swampy coast of SC, Rotten
Bastard enjoys her earthworm collection, frisbee golf, going
through the "10 items or less" grocery isle with
11 items and riding her LX 150. Known to fraternize with NC
Bastards Dirty and Blue, she gets a kick out of being a Dirty
Rotten Blue Bastard. Knighted February 16, 2008 in front of
the Excalibur Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas by Whodat Bastard.
Pennsylvania
Philadelphia Chapter 003
"Baldy Bastard" - Clark ~ (RBSC
027) Baldy was the very first image used by Mr. Clean in 1958.
After getting caught seducing a dirty little office girl,
Baldy was fired and then found work and is now retired from
a dirty start-up company called Sony. Baldy has enjoyed riding
on two wheels for more than 30 years. After cleaning up Sony,
Baldy can now enjoy riding his 2006 Burgman or his 2005 Stella.
He enjoys long rides with other Bastards that he calls friends.
His favorite thing at a ride, of course, is riding sweep.
Knighted July 13th 2007 by Princess Bastard, Bastard Chamber
Penn Home, Philly, PA
"Big Mouth Bastard" - Bernie ~ (RBSC
043) Profile still under construction (that’s code for
we are still making stuff up). Check back soon to see what
we came up with.
"Bitchy Bastard" - Terri ~ (RBSC
038) After being stuck to the back of Sticky Bastard riding
bitch and bitching about the way he drives, she finally decided
it was time to take control of her own ride. Bitchy went with
a bitching green Kymco People 150. It takes a very special
person to put up with a Bitchy Bastard. She told me that the
seat has a really small lump in it and the oil doesn’t
smell right. She says the headlight is not aligned very well
and it’s not really getting the same MPG as the dealer
sad it would. But other than that it seems to be ok for a
scooter. What a bitch! We love ya anyway. Welcome Terri and
try to keep your Bitchy side down. Knighted Aug 17th 2007
by Extreme Bastard, Philly, PA
"Crafty Bastard" ~ (RBSC 059) Profile
still under construction (that’s code for we are still
making stuff up). Check back soon to see what we came up with.
"Extreme Bastard" - Ben ~ (RBSC
035) I got my first Scoot (A Commie Cruiser) in January of
2007. I attempted to jump the Snake River Canyon with it but
that didn’t go so well so I just left it at the bottom.
I quickly upgraded to my current beast, The Big Flying Ruckus.
I bought it because it looks "EXTREME"!!!! With
a machine as tuff as this it’s now ok for me to wear
pink again. I have been told that I take everything to the
umpth degree. (Extreme) You might just notice items on my
Ruckus that you can only find in Japan. I love going to rallies,
collecting trophies for Best Modern Scooter, and riding with
my fellow Bastards. If you need a good laugh, and an EXTREME
good time stop by for one of our rides. Knighted Aug 10th
2007 by Sticky Bastard, Linden Ave Boat Ramp Philly, PA
"Genuine Bastard" - Pat ~ (RBSC
028) The day she was born, she bit the doctors’ hand.
He mumbled that she was a little bastard. Her mother didn’t
hear the doctor, but over the years came to know just how
much of a bastard her child really was. Today, you can find
Genuine ripping around Philly on her Buddy 125. She holds
her own just like any bastard should. She loves the wind in
her hair and the fine company of other bastards. Genuine Bastard
is willing to take a risk and she always knows when the odds
are in her favor. Knighted July 13th 2007 by Baldy Bastard,
Bastard Chamber Penn Home, Philly, PA
"Lord Bastard" - Mark ~ (RBSC 014)
What can we say, he has a God complex. Self-proclaimed "Lord"
enjoys having brunch, then riding his Scooter all over town.
Lord is partly responsible for the creation of the Philly
Chapter. With the power to smite, Lord will be helping Sticky
to grow the Philly Chapter. With the Lord on our side, how
could we go wrong? Knighted July 13th 2007 by Sticky Bastard,
Bastard Chamber Penn Home, Philly, PA
"Melodious Bastard: - Jon ~ (RBSC 060)
~ Most bastard infants are born crying. Melodious was born
singing. During the Sixties he thinks that he may have sung
in a famous folk group that shall remain nameless, now disbanded.
If you listen closely, you may hear the muffled tones of folk
music emerging from under his full face helmet while riding
either his Burgman 400 or his Vespa ET4. He enjoys going on
rallies and the camaraderie of his fellow Bastards. It brings
back ancient memories of those audience participation songs.
"Why can’t we all just Sing along?" Jon’s
a body builder and personal trainer too ... so don’t
make him angry. To be knighted April 6, 2008 at Bowman’s
Tower near Washington Crossing, PA.
"Princess Bastard" - Terry ~ (RBSC
026) Each day starts with some Bastard bringing Princess a
cup of coffee. She enjoys the finer things in life, including
basking in the sun on the family Bayliner. When she is not
cruising the waterways of Philly, Princess enjoys mixing it
up with the scooter community. Being a Royal Bastard affords
her two fine steeds. She has the choice of a ZX50 or the classic
Series Italia Buddy 125. With a Bastard entourage, it’s
no wonder she leads the life of a Princess. Knighted July
13th 2007 by Lord Bastard, Bastard Chamber Penn Home, Philly,
PA
"Sticky Bastard" - Tom ~ (RBSC 013)
Sticky fell in love with scooters in Italy during the endless
summer of ’85. Before his job went automated, Sticky
worked his way up as the head stamp licker for FedEx. He enjoys
the reliability of his sexy Vespa GTS250ie. However, he looks
forward to the day when he finds that perfect Rally 200 he
can kick-start and call bitch. He often finds himself in sticky
situations from only Lord knows what. Sticky is our first
Bastard on the East Coast. Yo, Philly represents!. We have
a lot of love for Tom, even if he is Sticky. Knighted July
27th 2007 by Zippy Bastard, Lake Tahoe, CA.
Texas
Armadillo
Chapter 006
“Flatout Bastard” – Jeremy
~ (RBSC 083) This profile is still under construction (that’s
code for we are still making stuff up). Check back soon to
see what we came up with.
“Friar Bastard” – Eric
~ (RBSC 079) Friar is a native born Texan cowboy who is no
stranger to foreign lands. Having gone to school in the city
of brotherly love and lived in the land of Poles (i.e. Poland),
he is full of northeastern grit and communist rebellion. He
began busting his knuckles on a circa 68 Vespa in his late
teens. That baby blue rust bucket met its demise at the hands
of an F-150 truck that didn't see it as it backed up. Fortunately,
Friar wasn’t on it. Public transport and skateboards
were the only things this boy knew until a shattered ankle
put him out of commission as far as skateboarding was concerned.
Now you'll find Friar listening to ghetto krunk ass jams as
he runs from his job making espresso to paying the bills and
answering his calling at a small Christian community. Friar
Bastard rolls hard and loud on a black 2007 GTS with a Leo
vince pipe-sans baffles, dodging jacked-up pick-up trucks
which could decapitate a full-grown man with their bumpers.
If you’re ever in funkytown and want a good cup of coffee
or a sermon, make sure to hit up this bald, tattooed and bearded
(most of the time) Bastard.
"Irish Bastard" - Pat ~ (RBSC 031)
This Bastard is Canadian born, but spent a long time in Northern
Ireland where he specialized in working for peace, generally
running amok and confusing the British soldiers with his Canadian
Passport and his 66 VBB. He may have been responsible for
the break out of peace in the late 90’s? -Clinton had
nothing to do with it! Retired as an active member of the
party club in Oct ’95 and is now a tea totaller. He’s
a friend of Jimmy K’s but can still sing a few Irish
drinking songs when called upon. Patrick has the ability to
tell you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward
to the trip. (Irish Diplomacy) He rides a Guinness colored
two-toned GTS and is still looking for a vintage VBB. His
wife recently customized the front cowl of his GT 60 993,
so she got it as her ninth anniversary gift. Pat’s an
Irish history buff, never order a ’Black & Tan’
when he’s around or you WILL get a lecture on the history
of those miserable buggers. His favorite saying is; "Pog
Mo Thoin." Don’t know what it means?-then google
it you bullocks! (and then do it.) Knighted July 27th 2007
by Greasy Bastard, Lake Tahoe CA.
“Ninja Bastard” – Gillian
~ (RBSC 084) This profile is still under construction (that’s
code for we are still making stuff up). Check back soon to
see what we came up with.
"Smartass Bastard" – Glenn
~ (RBSC 037) Scooterholic Native to Corry, PA. I have a 2006
Kymco(I call her Medusa) I bought new during Oct. ’06
and have nearly 29,000km on her, you do the math. I live deep
in the country on a dirt road where the deer and the buzzards
play (you try dodging a stupid buzzard doing 65 MPH. Saved
a dogs life once by laying my bike down on a gravel/dirt road
instead of hitting the dog, fractured my ankle and my ego.
I have a "thing" with attracting dogs (that’s
the four legged variety). When those four legged tire biters
come after me I come to a complete stop and just lay on the
horn, non-stop, to annoy the hell out of their owners. I’ll
even lay on the horn at 2am (such a smartass), to proclaim
my dissatisfaction. Seemingly, I no longer have a problem
with the neighbors dogs. I purposefully forget to buy something
at the grocery store just so I can later go out and scoot.
I am considering buying a vintage scooter. I love the vintage
Vespa and Lambretta, but my dream machine is a German Heinkel
Tourist scooter, model 103 A1 or 103 A2 (http://www.heinkeltourist.com/).
Washington
Seattle
"Magnificent Bastard" - Evan ~ (RBSC
030) Always with something smart and horribly inappropriate
to say, Magnificent Bastard has truly earned his title through
years of hard work of learning exactly what not to say, then
promptly saying it for his own personal amusement. He can
be found riding around Seattle on Mary Jane, which is also
the name of his LX150, often wondering what it would take
to have a recreation of the Mods Vs. Rockers riots of Brighton
Beach in the 1960s on Alki Beach in Seattle, with modern scooterists
vs. sport bikers. Or something like that. Knighted July 13th
2007 by Zippy Bastard, Seattle, WA.
"Zippy Bastard" - Sarah ~ (RBSC
015) Early in the morning, with a smile on her face, she fires
up the Fly. This is no normal Fly, it’s a Blue Beast.
Kitted to 190cc with a Sito+ exhaust. Zippy Bastard zips in
and out of traffic on her daily ride to work. Some say that
your scooter takes on a little of your personality. Zippy
is strong and confident, no wonder she’s taken! Zippy
took on the challenge of starting a Royal Bastards chapter
in Seattle. She is our sister in Seattle and if anyone picks
on her, we are gonna kick their ass!
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